Deanna Bryant
Andrea, I’m so glad you’re on the show with us today. I appreciate you taking the time to share your expertise with us today.
Andrea
Thank you so much for having me. It’s great to be here.
Deanna Bryant
I have to ask you because I’m always interested in the stories behind why people do what they do. So what led you to become a certified sex love and relationship? Coach?
Andrea
Great question. Because I had a different career before this one, I was in corporate for about 20 years as a digital creative and made the switch because I was single for most of that time. So I really struggled with finding love, finding partnership, with finding the right person for me. And so I thought, if I ever work this thing out, if I figure this thing out, I am going to dedicate my life to helping other people do the same because it was quite a journey. And I didn’t feel at the time that there was the kind of support that I really needed to understand what was going on and what was keeping me from being in partnership and relationships. So I made that commitment. But if it ever shifted, if I ever kind of worked out what was going on, I would help other people to do the same to have the kind of relationship that I have now, which feels like exceptional love. And exceptional connection. So, so yeah, that’s why I’m here doing this now.
Deanna Bryant
That’s awesome. What would you define as exceptional love and connection?
Andrea
So exceptional for me meant that I would be in line with the other person as far as core values were really important to me. So not we’re going we’re headed in the same direction, or we were working towards a similar lifestyle, a similar way of being but that how we got there along that journey, the steps we take the way we grow together in that, that we’d be lined up on that too. There are many ways to get to the same destination. And so I wanted to be sure that the person that I was with was going to be along for the ride in a very similar way to me, and that it would be also a person that I was really physically attracted to. So despite the fact that I didn’t have much experience in intimacy and sex, I decided that it wasn’t healthy for me to at that point in my life, even though I was single and had all the space in the world to didn’t explore much, let’s say so, despite the fact of having absolute freedom didn’t end, however, knew that for me, that connection was also something that was really important. Because even if the experiences that I had had more, were limited, the ones that were really good, allowed me to see the potential in expanding into that space in a really, really beautiful way. That felt like one of the most beautiful aspects of being human and experiencing life. And so I absolutely wanted that to feel really vibrant, really alive, really luscious, really beautiful in my life. So for me exceptional meant that I would be on the same page connecting with a person intellectually at a mind level, that there’d be emotional connection and intimacy that we’d be able to meet each other emotionally. And that also on a physical level, as far as to desire attraction and sexual chemistry that that would be there as well. I wanted it all. For me that felt like all and of course, it doesn’t mean perfect, because my personal belief is that we’re in relationships, especially intimate ones, because they give us opportunities for growth and growth often needs change. And change often means challenge, and I wanted to be able to flex with someone in that way when there was a challenge when there wasn’t grit when there was when life threw up, what it throws up when things between us became whether it was heated or a bit cringy or uncomfortable that I would be with someone who would be able to stay with me and be with me on that journey through. However sticky it would be so that we could that potentiality for growth and expansion would be there. Over the longer term. This was what I suspected was the possibility that would be alive and have a long-term relationship as well, which is what I really wanted. I wanted a long-term relationship with someone for the duration really.
Deanna Bryant
That’s beautiful and I’m so glad. I hope you work with a lot of couples that are venturing out into relationships for the first time because it seems like you know we go into relationships and we really don’t know what we’re looking for. And a lot of relationships we get into based on But you were talking about this physical connection or the chemistry and we don’t weigh in all these other factors that are key for making a long term relationship. But I don’t think that we have, we can ignore the fact of the sexual connection. And I know that you say that you help couples with greater fulfillment and pleasure in their intimate lives. When you say intimate lives, are you meaning sexual intimacy?
Andrea
Absolutely, yeah. So oftentimes, it’s very connected. So there is a connection, the physical, sexual connection, and the emotional connection and intellectual connection, as well. can be connected, there can be close links. And other times they are they want to be worked with or more felt through or are or be with a bit differently. However, in my experience, I found that they are oftentimes very, very closely connected. So when I work with couples, sometimes they’ll come because the there the sexual chemistry will have gone or it’s never felt like it was ever quite there. And so they’re wanting to explore how they can come to greater intimacy, which oftentimes will mean how can we if it’s mismatched libido, or if it’s different ways of enjoying sex or having an experience in the bedroom and lovemaking, maybe one partner experiences pleasure one way and another partner experiences it in a whole other way. And it feels like for the couple that they’re never quite on the same page, or there’s a mismatch there, then I’ll work with couples on that, too. So oftentimes, what happens as we work through the sexual stuff, let’s say that where there is also a disjunct in an emotional experience, or the emotional lives of the two people or even on a psychological level, if there are shifts or changes or things that want to be uncovered, then that will come out as well as a result of the work that we do in starting off in sexuality. And then it expands to emotional connection and will expand to psychological experience or a mind experience as well. So some couples come in the other way, they’ll come in wanting a deeper connection. And then we’ll work with sexual chemistry and sexual dynamism. Whatever wants to happen, we’ll work with that later. So so people can come in through sexuality and work their way. And we’ll say sometimes bottom-up from the body up into emotions up into the mind, or sometimes they’ll come in top-down. So starting maybe with where they’re connecting on a mental level or emotionally, and then we’ll work down into their bodies into the sexual experience. So there’s no right or wrong sometimes will come in sideways through emotion through the heart. So yeah, whatever way we look at it, ultimately, in my experience, anyway, we’ll touch on all aspects of us, even if the focus is on working with sex and sexuality or say, relational elements as well.
Deanna Bryant
Yes. And it sounds like all the other intimacies we have in our relationship affect our sexual relationship. And I heard the other day, that the quality of our sex lives tells us something about the intimacy of our relationship, would you say that is true?
Andrea
I would say that to a degree, yeah. So you can feel really emotionally connected to your partner, and even have really good communication, understand them really, really well. And yet, there can be something about the sexual dynamic that might feel a bit off. So it’s interesting how one might measure health and relationship. And it could partially be due to how much you value the sexual connection, how much you value, instead, emotional connection or intellectual connection. For some people, will be more important that there’s a strong connection on all levels. Other people, maybe they feel like they get great intellectual stimulation from their job. And so they need less than their partnership. So maybe it’s nice to have or, you know, they want a certain degree of intellectual kind of connection, but then they get that in other ways. And the same with emotions. It’s really an intimacy and sex where if you’re in a monogamous relationship, where you’re committed to being with one another, that that can, it can be a little bit more difficult to have that fulfilled if it’s not with the partner that you’re with. And like I say, if you’re, if you are in, have decided to be in a monogamous relationship, so self-pleasure is something that can be invited in and I absolutely do. I am a proponent of self-pleasure even when you’re in a relationship to keep that part of your life, keep yourself connected to your sexuality in a really beautiful intimate way with yourself first, and then have that open up to your partner as well. But I would say, Deanna, is a bit funny because how one person might measure health in their intimate relationship could be different from how another person measures health or funerals like help where healthy is for them. And I’m also quite a proponent of understanding what style of relationship is really right for you. And that includes how much you need to feel or want to feel connected to someone on these different levels. What’s really important for you and what actually you’re okay with not being as strong.
Deanna Bryant
Okay, that’s interesting, because, you know, I like this idea that we get a lot of our different intellectual and emotional needs met outside of the relationship. And I think that’s so healthy because when we put all of our eggs in one basket and expect our spouse to fill all of our, you know, emotional, you know, intellectual, all those needs, we can put a lot of pressure on them. You said something there that fascinates me, and you talked about our own personal sexuality and being in touch with our, our own sexuality outside of the sexual relationship we have with our spouses. What do you mean by having that, and how does that benefit the sexual relationship.
Andrea
So I can even speak from a person from personal experience on this one for sure. So when I have an active self-pleasure practice, which means when I self-pleasure is another way of saying masturbation. So when I connect with my body and my pleasure, on my own, maybe it’s in my own time, maybe it’s in my own space, then my connection to my body comes very much alive. And like anyone’s bodies, our bodies collect a lot of tension, we live very intense lives. Even as a coach who focuses on pleasure, there’s work that I do, and our bodies, whether it’s conscious or subconscious, or unconscious collects, collect the stress collects the nets, and a lot of times negative messaging even and so to have that time with my body where I can do some of that work with my body to relax it to get the energy clean and clear, ready and open. To receive someone if I do that on my own in my own time, and I use a beautiful I work with a crystal egg. So some people will call it the Yoni egg, the Jade egg, when that becomes a part of my self-pleasure practice as well, then it really gives me a chance to get my body ready for my partner. So it’s a practice that said, I don’t want to, I also want to acknowledge that it’s also a practice for me. So it’s a nourishment for me for my nervous system for my body for my own connection to my pleasure, our bodies shift and change day by day, minute by minute, nevermind as we pass through the different phases of life, the bigger kind of phases of life, especially as women, so where pleasure shows up and how it shows up will shift and change, and staying connected to that pleasure staying connected to my body. And having that relationship with my body, that understanding of my pleasure map. So how and where and when does pleasure shows up in me and open up to that facilitating that, clearing that energy, clearing the space, relaxing my muscles, relaxing my body, and inviting in pleasure again, when I do that practice consistently. And I’m going to out myself and say that it can always be, it could always be more consistent and more often. Because when I do that, I see the benefit not just for myself and how I live my life in a more relaxed, more balanced way that also my partner feels when we make love. So he is absolutely 100% aware of when I have an act of self-pleasure practice happening, especially when I’m working with something like the crystal egg. Because my body is more receptive to him. It’s more receptive to pleasure, pleasure flows more easily for me, and he is able to support the pleasure that I feel in a much easier way. And he feels it when he feels that then that’s quite a turn-on for him. And it supports his pleasure as well. So it’s this beautiful dance of energy that can happen because I’ve released a lot of the stuff on my own. That’s been piling up and I’m connected to help pleasure show up and I can also share with him wearing how I’m experiencing pleasure so that he can respond to that and so support me and, and also enjoy, of course, the pleasure that he experienced this not just from the pleasure that I have, but also in his own way as well. So, so yeah, that’s 100% of beautiful, beautiful things, stay in touch with your body connected to your pleasure, how it shows up by having your own personal self-pleasure practice. And this is for men as much as it is for women. So I just want to, to acknowledge that as well, the more we understand how pleasure shows up in our bodies, as men, and as women, then the more we can share with our partners, when we come together with them, how they can support the growth and expansion of this pleasure. Does that make sense?
Deanna Bryant
It makes total sense. It sounds like it’s exercising your sexual muscle in a way, what I was thinking there is, you say your partner knows that you do that. I know that some people get threatened by the thought of their partner pleasuring themselves, because somehow they feel like, well, am I not enough? Or, you know, am I not doing it? Right? Or if they do this, they’re not going to want me what would you say to some of those things that may pop up into listeners mind?
Andrea
Hmm, so that will very likely be person to person and couple to couple, as well. So some of how we approach and relate to our sexuality has to do with things that we’ve learned. And so if we come to this with the idea that somehow we are not enough for our partner, or we’re not, we’re not giving enough or we are somehow not performing, or in some ways that we aren’t, aren’t enough. So it has to do with that enoughness, then that’s why our partner has to go and do this thing of pleasuring themselves. So that approach, let’s say, or that mindset, or that way of thinking about pleasure and self-pleasure and the pleasure you enjoy with your partner, and how is one, one way of kind of thinking about things. And so the invitation here is to expand beyond that. It feels to me and sounds to me, like it could be a bit of learned belief, or limiting beliefs about what sexuality and sex are, and pleasure is and how it lives inside of a person’s body. And so there is also perhaps an understanding of when we tap into our pleasure, and we tap into the pleasure in our bodies, then it can expand and grow rather than depleting us pleasure. And then you have more pleasure to give and to be with. So this is true if we learn how to work with our sexual energy in a way where it nourishes us. This is quite a kind of advanced, technical ish thing I’m speaking to, but I will speak to it. So just to introduce the idea of cleaning and clearing space in our bodies, for more pleasure to come wants to absolutely happen. So once that space is cleared we can be we can begin to work with gentle, gentle pleasure, gentle turn on in a new way where it’s regenerative. And that energy can be circulated through our bodies, and actually, feed us so that we have more energy at the end of it. And this again, can be men and women both oftentimes we think of the jack Ulation or coming to orgasm, and then this kind of drop in our energy, this drop in our desire. And that happens with certain types of pleasure in certain ways of self-pleasuring certain ways of making love. And there are other ways of practicing pleasure where we experience a more gentle, or a different experience of orgasmic bliss that may be orgasmic or multi-orgasmic, but we’re actually circulating we’re working with the energy in a different way so that it comes back into us even as we’re experiencing pleasure. So,
Deanna Bryant
and sexual inner energy is so big, I mean, it’s such a huge part of our life, because we are sexual beings. And it makes sense that if you’re not channeling this energy in a productive and you know, so it’s not in stasis, it seems that you’re going to be healthier, all the way around.
Andrea
Yeah, so they’ve done studies where pleasure begets pleasure and stress begets more stress. So if you and the reality is that we live really stressful, really busy lives, and in the studies that have been done, they the people who work more and have more stress have less sex, the more they work, the less sex they have more. So it’s a bit of a vicious circle there and it can be really tough. I’m just going to acknowledge it can be really tough to break out Have that that space because we do live lives of such intensity. And yet when we do introduce more pleasure into our lives when we create some space for it, because we recognize just like with a healthy diet, just like with going to the gym just like with other ways of taking care of ourselves that that pleasure we know from so many studies and we know it logically that experiencing pleasure experiencing orgasm, creating space for that is so so healthy for our physical health, for our emotional health, for our mental well being as well, that it is the pleasure does support health. And so part of what wants to shift is creating space and valuing pleasure. And of course, we do, it just seems to be always one of the first things to go is no time for sex, no time for, yes, you’ve got to get sleep, I’ve got to get rest. And to be honest, sometimes we’re so tired and depleted. The last thing we want to do is to have sex or our pleasure. And so how do we break through how do we create a more healthy way of being? And I’m just going to answer that. Yes, that’s perfect. give people hope, because it is tough. It’s tough when absolutely 100% acknowledging myself included that I get into a cycle of work, work, work or go go go and moving. And where does the pleasure go? Where is the slowness? Because pleasure oftentimes wants slowness? Yes, sometimes it’s fast and wild and spontaneous. And, and a lot of times to really experience this expanded state of bliss, expanded states of orgasm, it wants slowness, and wants a calming down wants a nervous system reset. And so what I would encourage is inviting in pleasure in really small ways into your life, even during the day. So whether it’s taking an extra minute, some of it is really typical, you’ve heard it a million times, an extra minute with your tea, or with your coffee in the morning. But then there are also other ways to incorporate pleasure, especially good for women is dance breaks. So if you’re working on a project schedule where you have time Sprint’s of working for 20 minutes, when that five-minute break comes up, put on a song, put on a track, and move your body. So moving your body and getting back in touch with your body connecting again with your body. So there’s so much in your mind during the day, or if you’re running around after the kids or you’re preparing all the lunches or doing all the things then just putting on a couple of minutes, you know, you’ve got your two-minute song, to reconnect with your body to shake some of the tension out to shake some of that stuff out and to just feel the pleasure of being in your body rather than in your mind and in worry and in go mode. And then you can go back right into your work right after but just having that minute, those few minutes throughout the day to move your body, those breaks to move your body and connect with your body again, will begin to support your pleasure because you’re releasing that tension that is brought up and you’re connecting again with your physical body, your senses, your sensational body where sensuality happens where then sexuality can be experienced as well. So that’s one way constant Dance Dance constant but dance breaks when you’re taking actual even two or three-minute breaks. And then another small way is to dot your office or your home office or your home with small objects of pleasure. So this could be like a feather. Some people will use like peacock feather or ostrich feather I have a feather boa that I sometimes leave around not because I’m gonna wrap myself in it but because I’ll just take a minute to run the bullet through my hands or feel the softness of the feathers or have some velvet or silky material that will just be dotted around that I can just drop into I’ve got also a free rug, I’ll take my shoes off and just run my feet through the rug. So again, connecting with pleasure even if it’s just for a few small moments, especially at the end of the day to transition from daytime into sensual feeling into your body evening kind of experience
Deanna Bryant
sounds like you just open the door in little small ways to experience your sensuality and kind of get that motor running so to speak. And I know that there’s so much emphasis right now on being in touch with your body and and and allowing your energies to be expelled and to use them and it sounds to me like when we’re in touch with our bodies more regularly when those opportunities to become sexual with our partner arise. And then we’ve already kind of got that ball rolling, because we’re so in touch with our bodies. And we’ve released some of that stress and energy. So that makes total sense to me.
Andrea
That also helps make that jump from day to day into pleasure. And then back into day to day and then into pleasure, helps you begin to become a little bit more smooth, it’s shifting the gears from most say, the daytime energy of Go, go go, the more masculine focused kind of energy into a softer feminine energy essential a space where there’s more time for feeling in. And so as you begin to work with this transition of even just taking these few moments to drop into pleasure, then it helps to shift into that space, that helps you shift a little bit more easily, smoothly, and quickly into that space. So you feel like you have more agency over the experience that you intend to have if that makes sense. A lot of days, yeah, if you’ve had a lot of time stuff, but now it’s evening, and you love to shift into a different place with your partner. And maybe you have you know, struggled with that a bit and practicing in these really small ways can help make that transition a bit easier. So you can show up in your relationship as you would in a relationship with their softness, where there’s pleasure, where there’s intimacy, and let go of some of the commando kind of managing action-based, which is a beautiful energy and space to be in. But if you prefer, would like to have more choice over now shifting into a different space, when you’re with your partner and experiencing that that relationship a bit differently, then it gives you a, it’s a great training ground for that, if you really support that transition.
Deanna Bryant
Well, my audience is mid-lifers. And to be honest, you’d think those of us in long-term marriages would have the best sex of our lives. After all, we’ve had a long time to get it right. But in my work, I find that is not always the case. So as a coach, what do you see as some of the hindrances to a fulfilling and pleasurable sexual relationship no matter how old you are.
Andrea
So as I mentioned before, a bit earlier, as we move through life, our bodies change. And so how we experience pleasure can also change where it shows up will shift or change the context or the environment, or what we what supports our pleasure can shift or change where once maybe it was, it was one thing that supported pleasure, like going out on dates, or spontaneity. Now, maybe you just need more softness, more gentleness, and it’s, it could be the opposite. So it’s not necessarily what works before. If you’re like, well, that worked before. It’s not, it’s not working. Now, I don’t get it, what’s going on, it’s stepping back and looking at what might support pleasure for you. Now, that’s different from how you experienced it in the past, and knowing that this is totally natural, normal, and okay, everything shifts and changes. And so how you experience pleasure and how you experience your own sexuality, your relationship to your body, your relationship to pleasure and to sex with your partner, and also with yourself on your own, will shift and change. So give yourselves a break. And noticing that, okay, shifts and changes may have happened, it could be due to how we’re relating to each other and life. But it also could be due to the changes that are happening within us and acknowledging that and being with it,
Deanna Bryant
and I think we’re afraid of change. And when things begin to change or shift, we automatically think what’s wrong? Why is this changing? Is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with us, instead of accepting, that we are evolving, and our sexual relationship evolves? I’ve been with my husband for 27 years, and it’s evolved all along. And it’s certainly different today than it has ever been. I mean, it’s constantly changing and how we approach things, how we talk about things. So what does it for us today is different than it did in the beginning? But that’s not a bad thing. You know, it’s a good thing if you are evolving sexually as you evolve, and as the relationship evolves, is just a natural part of the process. And I like the idea that you are emphasizing so much that it’s an individual thing, that there’s not some sort of sex recipe for every couple, because even in my work with couples, what works for one couple is not going to work for another and that’s okay. That’s why we should not compare our relationships to other people, but individually dig down into what works and what doesn’t work for each couple, because it’s individual.
Andrea
Absolutely, yeah. I love also how you share communication has been key for you. And for some couples, they may have never spoken about their intimate lives. So even if they’ve been together for decades, they may have never actually had a conversation about the sex that’s happening or not happening, the intimacy that’s there or not, they’re the things that they actually like, and the things that they maybe never liked were too afraid to say. And so sometimes that’s what wants to be learned, or that’s what wants to be experienced is communicating about what is happening as much as what isn’t happening, and having a safe space within the couple relationship within your relationship to be able to express what’s going on for you and to have it be heard, understood. And then and then shared as okay, if this is what we’re both experiencing, perhaps different things, what do we both need or want, and then working from there, that communication and making that initial step into voicing what’s going on can be a really big leap for a lot of people. And so, for anyone listening, who hasn’t maybe had those conversations with your partner and know that that’s also, it’s totally normal. It’s not, it’s not that you’re the only ones that don’t talk about things, many, many couples don’t. And when they do begin to have conversations that can be quite difficult to have, then think can really shift and change. That’s when the that’s when let’s say the work really begins. And also that’s where the possibility and the opportunity open. So um, so thanks for mentioning that. It’s a
Deanna Bryant
Yes, communication is so it’s so difficult, I find it in the couples I work with, sex is a hard topic for couples to discuss. And I know it is a lot of you know, how we were raised how we viewed sex and sexuality growing up, it’s not a topic, it’s becoming more open, people are talking about it more and discussing it more. But when it comes down to sitting down with our spouses, there is a fear. And I also find that sometimes couples don’t know what they need, they know what’s not working. But they don’t know what does and trying to come up with. And that’s why I think talking about the self-pleasure is so important. Because I think if you don’t know, that is a prime opportunity to get to know more about your body, what it needs, what feels right. And, and beginning to communicate that but why are we so afraid to talk to our spouses about these things, what holds us back,
Andrea
there’s so much to lose other people so the more that we care about the person that we’re with, the more that we’re invested in them, then the more difficult it can feel to talk to them about the things that we share, sometimes only with them, especially in the case of intimacy and sex, we’ve got the most to lose, there’s the most at risk. And it can feel really destabilizing and quite frightening to think that we might be rocking the boat, or we might cause undue damage, or we might hurt the person in some way. And so there it can feel like there’s quite a lot at stake when we want to have these kinds of conversations but really feel afraid to. And so yeah, so we want to really be compassionate and kind with ourselves and knowing that these are conversations that can feel so so tender and so complex, and how are we going to get at it? And how am I even going to begin to talk about these things that haven’t been spoken about? And then as you mentioned, heaped on top of that is this is what we get from society and culture, the shame that we often feel around us the sex that we’re having the sex that we’re not having. And then there’s also guilt, guilt that we carry about, again about the sex that we’re having or not having, if we feel that we’re not giving enough or we’re not open enough or we’re not having enough pleasure, or we’re not giving enough pleasure or any of the ways that we can feel that we are at a loss or inadequate in some way and not knowing so it can feel really, really tough. And then also as you mentioned, yes, the spaces are opening up for us to talk about these things, but it still feels quite new and it can still feel really really tender. And also uncomfortable. Awkward is new, it’s different. It’s territory that hasn’t necessarily been traversed before walkthroughs before even and so we’re a bit out of out by the water so to speak, then it can feel it can also feel really, really challenging.
Deanna Bryant
And I have found that also with couples when they begin talking about these things, it is so hard it is it’s hard to be vulnerable about sexuality. And it’s it like you say you, you are afraid you might hurt or offend. But when couples begin to talk about it to be intentional about it, everything changes, the whole thing changes. It’s just hard getting started. It’s like working out, you know if you haven’t worked out in a while, and you think, Okay, I’m gonna, I’m gonna get back in this routine, it’s hard. It’s difficult to get going. But you know, the benefits of having those tough conversations and getting open. I think it also gets easier. The more we have these conversations, it’s just like a practice, the more we have them, the easier it is.
Andrea
Absolutely 100%.
Deanna Bryant
So I know in a conversation we had the other day, you said something that really stood out to me. And you talked about sacred sex. Now, I grew up in a very religious upbringing. And I’d always heard that sex was sacred, but I never heard the term sacred set. So explain that a little bit.
Andrea
So sacred sex can mean different things to different people. So sacred sex is sex that is full of intention. And so with intentionality, when we enter into lovemaking with an intention, then that can transform our experience of lovemaking. So for example, when you have two people standing on a box, it can be two people standing on a box, when the intention of those two people standing on a box is to join together in marriage, then two people standing on a box, all of a sudden becomes very sacred, that is a sacred union, it is a space that is infused with meaning there is an intention of those people to stand on that box together for a very long time is what transforms the experience of standing there. So in sex, it can be a very, very similar experience when we enter into lovemaking with the intention to share our soul with another for example or to allow ourselves to be seen completely and all of our vulnerability, or when our intention is to really connect with our partner. And to see in them all of that is beautiful, the potential for their growth, to see the expansion there in the light, some would say even of spirit there and to and to make the intention to make the conscious choice to choose that and experience that and express that through lovemaking can transform that experience from being one that is sexual, purely sexual, to one that has a sacredness about it to one where the intention that you set can come alive, but there is that deeper soul level connection, where you begin to see the divine or the divinity or the light of spirit in another person and experience that in a very beautiful, tender, intimate way, or you’re seeing in a whole new way. And the experience of coming together and sharing erotic energy with the intention of being with and seeing each other deeply. And being with yourself and experiencing yourself in whole new ways expands the horizon for experience in, in the bedroom for some to a level of spirit of it feeling quite sacred, and expression. Yeah,
Deanna Bryant
yeah. And I like that because I do believe personally, it’s my opinion that sexual intimacy is very spiritual. And I don’t mean in a religious sense, I mean, that it speaks to the deepest parts of our spirit, because it is such a manifestation, of love, in deep connection with another human being, which I think is really spiritual. Intimacy is a spiritual process. So I like that, and just to recap that, you talk about the intention, setting that intention, sharing ourselves, and totally being vulnerable in this connection. So I just wanted to recap that for the audience. Because that was is so key to this whole conversation. So we’ve come to the end of our time. And for the listener who says, You know what? My sex life is just empty. I mean, we’re having sex. You know, we’re having sex, we have sexual intimacy. But now Now that they’re listening, they’re going, you know, we’re just having sex, but it’s not intimacy, what would you say to a listener that finds themselves in that? Where would they begin to start changing that in their relationship?
Andrea
So the first step would be, well, there are a few first steps that can happen. So one first step is to begin to talk about it with your partner. And to make that discussion easier, then you introduce the topic to your partner, and invite in a time that’s separate from the time when you’re in the bedroom, I always recommend lunchtime or some other time that doesn’t feel so sexy to actually have the conversation. And it could sound something like I would love to have a conversation with you or chat about how we’re experiencing our sex life, how we’re experiencing each other. In the bedroom. I’m curious about your experience. And I’d love to share with you a bit about mine. How does that sound? Do you have time maybe later on in the week, so you’re not springing the conversation on the person you’re taking out of the context of the bedroom, which can be really triggering, especially if it’s in the moment. And it’s all inviting in the topic without any criticism, any judgment, it’s with curiosity about their experience, and about a willingness to open up and share yours. So that you can begin to understand what you want their experiences, even as you share yours. So that is the first step if that feels good for you. And I would also say that if you do feel that it’s just really things are really in gridlock, and they’re really, really tough then to reach out for support. So of course, I’m a coach. So I would say that, but I also say that because I still get coached. So I still am supported by coaches in my life and in various different ways. Because sometimes we need that space held for us. Yes. In that space that’s held for us, we can explore things that can be quite difficult to explore on our own, and with a partner. So those are a couple of ways I would suggest starting.
Deanna Bryant
I think that’s I think that’s perfect. I love how the verbiage you gave on how to start those conversations because one of the things in my program is I’m always saying how we bring subjects to the table can make all the difference, and how the conversation goes. And I like that the way you brought that was very affirming. And it was a wee thing, not an eye thing. It was about our relationship. And there’s that lack of judgment or criticism, which is so huge because once you start doing that you have shut down the whole conversation and you’re gonna get nowhere. So, I’m so glad you gave that verbiage there, Andrea, if somebody does feel like they’re in gridlock, and this is not something they feel like they can do on their own, you know, I to work with someone because I need help along the way. And I know that there are those that have greater expertise in certain areas of life than I do. And so we reach out for support. So how could someone find you if they needed help?
Andrea
They are absolutely welcome to check out my website. So I am at lush coaching L U S H coaching.com. And there’s a way to contact me there so you can drop me an email that way and I am I love getting messages. So that is one way I offer also consultation calls so they can find the link to that my site as well. So if you just want to share a bit about what’s going on for you learn about how I might be able to support you and what the next right steps will look like. And that’s a way I’m also on Instagram. So I’m in the social space so they can check out and invite anyone listening to check out follow me on Insta, I’ll say hello, say hello, drop me a DM and in be in touch. Yeah, we’d love to hear from anyone who
Deanna Bryant
what’s your handle on Instagram.
Andrea
It’s Andrea Balboni underscore Lush.
Deanna Bryant
Okay, I now have that in the show notes for the audience. Andrea, thank you so much for taking the time to come on today and share about this super-important topic. I know that every time I do an episode on anything with sexual intimacy, it seems to be the most popular one that people listen to So I know it’s a topic we’re thinking about and maybe we just don’t know what to do about so thank you for coming on when and giving us your expertise I appreciate it so much
Andrea
My pleasure take care.
Here is the link to find Andrea Balboni and Lush Coaching: https://www.lushcoaching.com/