Debunking Common Marriage Myths: Myth 4-Going to Bed Angry Is Bad For Your Marriage|Episode 67

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Never Go To Bed Angry. I got this advice at my bridal shower, and I accepted it as accurate. It is standard marriage advice and well-intentioned. I’ve heard it so many times.  My reality and the reality of many couples is that going to bad angry happens. It is pretty common.

No one wants to go to bed angry. Going to bed angry can cause me to stew and obsess to the point it takes me a while to go to sleep. I’ll replay everything. Then my husband and I sleep on our sides of the bed to keep a distance. It stinks. Not to mention, my husband will be asleep in less than 3 minutes, and I’ll want to kick him awake so he can suffer with me.

But for all the bad, there are times when going to bed angry might be the best thing for you both. Let me tell you 2 reasons why.

You won’t resolve every conflict

First, and I will refer to myth number one I covered in Episode 64. I asserted that you wouldn’t solve every conflict in your marriage.  Those are the perpetual problems I spoke about. If you have an unresolvable conflict that no amount of struggling will change, there will be times of irritation and anger that surface that you will have to work through on your own.

Loving your spouse despite your perpetual problems and accepting doesn’t mean you won’t still have frustrations. If you never went to bed angry over some of these issues and allowed yourself to refresh, you’d be beating a dead horse and causing you more grief than is necessary. What good would that do? None. Marriage is about agreeing to disagree about many things.

It takes time to work through conflicts

The second reason going to bed when angry might be the best thing for you both is because the conflict comes in the evening most of the time. If all our conflicts happened on Saturday and Sunday morning and we could have the day to work through our issues and the accompanying emotions, what a nice thing that would be. But we have 5 days during the week and only two weekend days, so obviously, the odds are not in our favor.

 Often we are faced with conflicts in scheduling that make it an inopportune time to bring up an issue, especially if one of you is having a bad day or come in late from work. For instance, I may get angry with my husband, but he works and doesn’t get home till late, and it isn’t a good time for us to talk it through. Can I go to bed with no anger lingering? Gosh, I wish I could, but I’d instead do that than bring up a problem at a time that is not best.

Having conflicts and dealing with them takes time and what I mean is that it takes communication and time to process through it. Sometimes the communication goes sideways because we are humans, and our emotions get in the way. We might not say things the right way. Our feelings might get in the way of communicating, and we need a time out to come back to it. That might mean you call a time out for the evening and come back to it. That gives you time to process it.

It is well researched that the higher the emotions during a conflict, the higher the chance you won’t be hearing each other or coming to any conclusion or understanding.

 My husband has come to me with an issue, and I became defensive, hurt, or angry. My ability to respond healthily was not there. I needed to process it in my mind, to look within and see if I had a part to play, and try to consider my husband’s feelings and perspective neutrally.

This is what I mean by processing. I believe couples should take time to process, I do. It allows us to consider the issue at hand and collect our thoughts and choose our responses from a place of wisdom and rationale.

Soothing Your Anger Before Bed

Let me tell you what might help when you feel angry upon retiring. Take some time to breathe deeply and calm yourself. I’ve been known to put in my AirPods and play a guided meditation for anxiety and stress to get my body calm. And my husband and I have a rule. No matter what, even with anger or an issue put on hold till tomorrow, we always say I love you before going to sleep. There is something about that that simply helps.

If you want to love each other fully, the love must be unconditional. Most of us forget when the going gets tough that we’ve said in our vows, we would love each other through the good times and the bad.

So the myth of going to bed angry is damaging to the marriage isn’t true. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your marriage is table an issue even if you are angry and want it resolved right then.


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